I wanted to meet him for selfish reasons to be honest. My grandpa died of pulmonary fibrosis and Robert had Lung cancer meaning their condition would be similar. It's a horrible to way die - hanging on, literally, to your last breath. I would imagine it's like dying on a roller coaster in that very uncomfortable moment at the top. However, on a roller coaster, you know you will get over it in about 15 seconds.
So, I thought that I would genuinely be able to be a friend to Richard, I thought I would relate to him, we would form a friendship and the bond I have been longing for and missing with my grandpa would be present in my life once more. My grandpa was a second dad. I spent my formative years with him. He guided me. I dreamt he would be at my white coat ceremony, my graduation, my wedding. He won't. That's fine - but it just sucks. He won't be there.
I'm lucky that my grandma is still alive - so I'm not complaining. She's the main reason I pack everything up on Friday and head home. I know our time is limited and I need all the hugs from her that I can possible get. No med school party/function can replace those hugs.
I was supposed to see Richard last week on Friday. However, I forgot the sticky note with his name and information. I knew there wasn't much time to waste. So, I still went to the VA in an unsuccessful effort to find him. It seemed comical at the time - "I'm looking for a patient who has lung cancer, he's from New Jersey, I just don't know his name." I left the VA and figured I would just get his name and see him next week.
On Monday, I wasn't up to it. I received his name via e-mail around 5 or so and figured I would just go on Tuesday. I went today. I had his name, room number and bed number. He expired this afternoon.
In the elevator on my way out, I ran into a third year I knew and just described what had happened. Her response - "that's the nature of the beast." I think I expected a little more from her. I really hope I don't get jaded. I know she's right, but still...
I walked out of the VA scrambling through my phonebook to find someone who would talk through this one with me. I was/am overcome with feelings I have never had before. I feel horrible, absolutely horrible for being lazy and not meeting him last Friday, or rushing yesterday.
Tears kept coming. I never met him and I never will. I guess I learned my lesson. I need to stop putting things off. Life is too precious for this. Test scores - they don't mean anything to me. Sure, I want to pass. I want to pass so that I can do something that IS meaningful. I don't like failing exams. I don't like failing because it takes me one step farther from doing something I really want to do. I want to know I studied, passed, and did what I needed to do to get where I needed to get. I thought meeting Robert would add meaning into my med school routine. I think that's why I'm so bummed.
RIP Robert Fischetttii - all I knew about you was that your last name rhymed with spaghetti, that you loved chocolate and had family in Jersey. I'm sorry.
I think I needed you more than you needed me.
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